Well, i’m not going to disappear for real.. at least not for now.
I feel so frustrated, Since lunch i’ve been feeling so terrible, emotionally speaking. I have this sensation in my chest, like there’s si something that pushes you and you can’t really move much like something heavy that is slowly piercing you. I’ve felt this before, and i didn’t end well the last time. I just hate feeling like this so much.
But i know there’s nothing i can do. It always take time for things to be okay again, but sometimes i feel like i don’t want ot wait anymore. I want thing to be okay for real, just once. I’m not asking much i just want to have a chance with somebody. I’m tired of trying so much to be different and to be accepted, i am so tired of trying to look “normal” to society and so tired of bad looks everywhere.
Yes, it might be my fault. I know it’s my mind which puts all of this thoughts in my mind, but i just want everything to be okay. I want not to be in control of every situation, of every moment and i want to feel comfortable with that. I just want to be like anybody else, take situations lightly and not worrying this much. I want to stop overthinking everything and wanting to hit myself for my behaviour.
I want to love and to be loved. I am tired of falling in love with people that it is no good for me, or people who is definetely out of my way. I want my love to returned. I don’t want to be ashamed of what i feel and always trying to disimulate it. It sucks so much.
It sucks so much to be me. I’ve tried a lot of things to change myself. And yes, it works. But for a few weeks, or months. But in the end, i’m always the same. The same shy girl who gets embarrased at everything and that regrets everything she says, and that it’s so afraid of not being corresponded. I’m so afraid of being hurt that i fall in love with impossible persons. Yeah, guys who are either in the other side of the country or who are like 10 years older or who are dating someone i know. I subconsciosnly do that because i’m so afraid to be loved. But i want that so much at the same. But it’s so much worse. I save it up to myself for months, because when i say it people think i’m joking. It’s not possible to be THIS messed up. But i’m actually not joking. So i save it for myself, until i explode. And there is not a perosn who can hold this. This is my only way out, people around me are not prepare to listen for all this shit, and i they were, i wouldn’t make me feel better.
I just want to be good enough for someone, i know i can. But i’m so tired of trying,
I feel like a selfish jealous shit when i see all my friends moving on and being so happy. But it’s not like i don’t move on. I actually did, but there’s a moment when everybody is gone with their happy lives and i’m still here. Waiting. I feel like i’m stuck in a hole and everybody has this 4×4 car and they go over me and splash me with water. And i’m still here trying all the time. And if i don’t try more it’s because i’m so embarrased and so anxious and afraid of doing something so wrong and out of place that people would stop talking to me. I am so sorry for this pitty and horrible post. But i found this way out better that others, trying to change habits.
I just wish not to be the only one trying.